The Night My Boyfriend Turned Nasty

25 Jan

I am 25, female, university educated, white British, 5’5″, 11ish stone and newly single as of 6am Sunday.

This weekend, following an increasingly difficult six-month relationship, the man I loved became a threat to my household, my emotional well-being, my working life and my personal safety.

I am making this public to make it real, because I am scared almost as much as I was when he looked at me with hate, locked me in my room, pushed me around, told me I was a “nasty little cunt”, when the police arrive for the third time that night. I am afraid that I will cave and try to pretend it didn’t happen.


I cannot allow this, for myself and for other people who may be in, or find themselves in danger of, a similar situation. I cannot allow this because what occurred violates what I believe to be true about love, what I believe to be the foundation of humanity and what I believe to be the good of the world.

There is no claim to great tragedy here, no more than anyone who is made to feel inferior, to feel betrayed by a loved one. I am not trying to make myself a story, only say that I have one. I am lucky, luckier than the millions of women, men and children around the world who experience domestic violence every day, that I was protected by my housemates and the police.

The aggression I experienced this Saturday night followed a party at a friend’s house, followed my being begged for trust that my partner wouldn’t fall prey to the alcohol-fueled destruction that has punctuated our otherwise beautiful and almost innocent love affair, followed my ignoring my instincts that to leave my partner with the bottle of whisky he had bought after swearing sobriety  (for three weeks) while I looked after a sick friend was the beginning of the same ritual.

He cant walk, he’s sick, he shits himself, I try to move him, he shouts, the patronises, he shoves, he locks the door. I throw him out of the house with his possessions. He screams for forgiveness and my heart capitulates. My puppy boy, my wolf cub, my sweet sensitive boyfriend who’s a bastard with a drink inside him. For his social anxiety, he says.

No more, never again, NO.

His hand forcing it’s way round the door to undo the chain while I tried to hand him his bag with my housemates terrified inside. NO.

Being told the most poisonous words, the most spiteful insults, the cruelest names. NO.

Being embarrassed in front of my friends, my colleagues, my household; making apologies when I really wanted to stick his head down the toilet. NO.

Threats, begging and lies on my answerphone, 15 times in an hour. NO.

Having the trust and love I gave to a man thrust down my throat. That really hurts me and I can never forgive that.

His belongings, that he moved into the house even though he knew I preferred my own space, are boxed and ready to go in the morning. I am sending them to his office. I want them to ask why. He’ll lie.

An email, detailing everything that happened ( he never remembers anything of these episodes) and why I never want to see him again has been sent and his family alerted to the police incidents (three separate teams of officers throughout the night, all of whom provided reassurance and help, from dressing and removing my ex from the house to chasing him down when he vanished, putting him in the car and driving him to Paddington). All contact has been ceased on my order.

My room has been cleared, purified with sage and rearranged to give me ownership of my space again. Everything on the walls I would look at when we were in bed together has been removed and replaced with fresh flowers and a Rosie The Riveter poster. The blank walls feel wonderful and I realise now how uncomfortable his occupation of my space made me.

I loved him, wanted to spend my life with him, but I can’t remember what that feels like now.



10 Responses to “The Night My Boyfriend Turned Nasty”

  1. Kitty Stryker January 25, 2011 at 5:39 am #

    I’m sorry you had to go through this.

    I’m proud that you’re speaking out. It’s too easy to cave in, to withdraw, to hide. This is brave, and scary, and important.


  2. Vanessa January 25, 2011 at 9:17 am #

    Sorry about your situation. However, it takes two to dance and two to fight. I am curious what his side of the story would be.

    No one should be abused. No one should push others to the point of abuse. Alcohol can not be the only thing to blame.

    • Amy February 1, 2011 at 5:59 pm #

      Vanessa, you sound like a bit of an idiot so I’m going to just assume you’ve never met anyone who’s abusive, or who gets abusive when they drink.

      Victims of abuse only have themselves to blame, I suppose? Disgusting attitude, one I thought went out with the ’80s.

      • Vanessa February 1, 2011 at 9:43 pm #

        Nice reply. Can’t face up to reality so you resort to personal insults.
        I have been abused, have known others that were abused and have known those that are abusers. This applies to physical as well as sexual and emotional.
        All the more reason to advocate for vicitms but to do so with eyes wide open to the multiple factors that cause this horrible situation. Such as ignorance (ring a bell?) poverty, mental illness and yes addictions. Attributing domestic violence to alcohol alone, and assigning the cause to males alone is sjust stupid. Refer to my original message and grow up.

    • Anon. March 16, 2011 at 6:58 am #

      Yes, you idiot, alcohol can, in some cases, be the only thing to blame. Perhaps you’ve never actually dealt with a violent alcoholic. Yes, alcohol can be an addiction. Yes, addicts can be real nice when they’re on the wagon and real nasty when they’re drunk. Seriously, you doubt this?!? You can question the root of the addiction, but it often started long before the recipient of the abuse even met the addict.

      • thepinch May 13, 2012 at 5:04 pm #

        I am an alcoholic. 22 years of sobriety will not change it. If you want to insult someone, start with me, not the writer. I AM the enemy. It is over simplistic and peurile to suggest that alcohol is the only issue here. Two to tango? Only if she is pouring.

    • Roxanne September 9, 2012 at 4:18 pm #

      But you didn’t just say you were interested in the root of his alcoholism you implied she pushed him into it. Short of hitting him and forcing him into self defense there is nothing else I can think that justifies the actions of hitting someone you love. True it isn’t just men who are abusers, the reason theirs more focus on it is generally if a man hits a woman it’s not a fair fight. If a woman is scratching a man’s face up and he’s not able to stop her then that would be abuse too.

      You’re dangerously close to to saying that people can push others into sexual abuse/rape or entice them into it. There’s no reason for any human to be hitting or sexually assaulting another person if it happened in the street someone would call the police if it happens in the home it is no less illegal.

      If you have two children and one says something mean to one and the other responds by cutting his hair off. The response that ‘oh well he was mean to me’ doesn’t negate the bad action they’re two separate bad actions that need to be punished individually.

  3. whatsaysyou March 9, 2011 at 2:36 pm #

    Oh my goodness I am so sorry to read what you had been through. However, as a blogger, I want to say that you should be proud of yourself for speaking out and getting out unharmed. Thanks for sharing and touching on the issue of nasty boyfriends.

    • lilian October 18, 2012 at 4:37 pm #

      Reading it, because I am googling everything concerning the topic. I have been 3 years in the same. We broke up on Monday. And he gave me a month to think, since he wanted to marry me, and I just could not say yes. I am so sad, so so sad. 3 years of my 20s wasted. Now I am 27 and I want a family and here I am emptry handed. I just couldn’t say yes. He has locked me out at 4 in the night when he was drunk. I could not get in, had to call his friend to drive me to his place to sleep. That was is 2011. Another time he left the club while I was in the ladies’ room. I came back and he was gone and did not answer the phone. He had left my purse on a table. He used to insult me, but finally stopped. Because of that, and because he has only become better I have stayed with him. But it is like a traumatic stress that never let me have peace. He insulted my friends. He has also slapped me over my hips 3 times hard when I went to the other room to sleep. He can be the nicest, my teddy bear, my lovely boy I care so much about when he is sober, but drunk he is somebody else. And it can happen in a matter of 30 mins. Then he switches. Not every time he drinks, but once in a while. Last time it happened was 1 month ago. I tried to find a club that he would like, but I could not find it. We had walked a lot, and he was tired, so he started to complain. He told me “You are useless” ” You know nothin”

  4. charlene September 11, 2011 at 12:56 am #

    Hey I’m really sorry to hear about your story,
    I am in a similar situation right now, I was with him for 4 years, put up with all types of physical, emotional, and mental abuse. Police had been called so many times, he had alcohol issues, so I left him for 3 monthes got back with him recently, been together 6 days. As he swore he has stopped drinking! Which I believe he actually has, and he is still exactly the same if not worse than he was before, its an absolute nightmare. I am planning to get away, as he now won’t let me leave the house. Next time I I will definitely be more aware on judging the character of a man, before I get properly involved. Noone deserve this kind of abuse. Its heartbreaking.

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