Bashing the patriarchy, one scrotum at a time?

21 Oct

Pro-Domme Ms Slide gives her unique insight into being a feminist Dominatrix.

“What do your clients make you do?” asks yet another curious woman, when told what I do for a living.

Of course, I have never been made to do anything. On the contrary. I get to do exactly what I choose, and I get to choose exactly who I do it with. Being a Pro-Domme is all about being in control. If it were any other way, the dynamic would be completely skewed. Yet when a woman embraces her own desires, whether sexually, socially or otherwise, it is assumed that she must only be doing it for the sole benefit of a man.

Yes, I’m a Dominatrix. It’s a job and lifestyle full of contradictions, and over the past decade it’s given me many reasons to pause, scratch my head and philosophise about gender, power and the nature of desire. Granted, this may sound a bit pompous coming from someone who smacks people around for a living.

There’s a widely-held assumption that any woman in this industry must have been mindlessly cajoled into a career like this, that she has probably been trafficked or pumped to the gills with heroin by some shadowy male Svengali and can’t possibly be in control of her own ambitions or sexuality. However, this simply isn’t so.

Much as a lot of what I do is a titillation of sorts, there is no actual sex involved. For me, as for many people, BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism) is more complex than something exclusively genital. For me, BDSM is the tumbling thrill that topples the mind, the tingle down the spine and the glorious lurch of excitement in the stomach. It’s the same urge we get to ride roller-coasters, watch horror films or turn a favourite song up to full volume. There’s something deeply primal about it.

I like to be worshipped, both as myself and as someone representing an archetype that I think is missing in many areas of society. I like to play the role of a Goddess. Of course, girls are brought up not to have these delusions of grandeur, and obviously I don’t consider myself any more divine than any other mortal woman, yet I find play-acting the role thrilling. The majority of my clients, especially those brought up within the most strictly patriarchal versions of Christianity and Islam, come to me through an overwhelming urge to serve a powerful female. The world is uncomfortably masculine, especially when it comes to sex and spirituality. There’s a woman-shaped gap in many people’s perception of power.

At Femdom events such as Club Pedestal and Luxe, both men and women can live, albeit temporarily, in a world where the female is adored. Even in the contrived setting of a BDSM scene event, I feel it addresses the imbalances that we’ve been conditioned to ignore in our normal lives. Dommes are treated with the kind of deference and respect that men normally only reserve for one another. I feel that society would be a far fairer place if gents outside the world of fetish and fantasy I inhabit could grant their womenfolk the same level of admiration.

I certainly consider myself a feminist. People often misconstrue what I do as a hatred of men – as if I’m bashing the patriarchy, one scrotum at a time. This isn’t the case. I have a deep affection for the men (and occasionally women) I play with and it’s important that we both get something out of our time

I may have spent this afternoon punching a gentleman’s testicles for my own amusement, and – to a lesser extent – his, but I don’t think a woman has to be sexually dominant to be a feminist. A sexually submissive woman isn’t betraying the sisterhood at all, if that’s what she’s into, whether she’s bottoming to a man or to another woman. If a woman has the courage to embrace her own fantasies, whether dominant, submissive or anywhere in between, I would deem her feminist principles to be firmly intact.


10 Responses to “Bashing the patriarchy, one scrotum at a time?”

  1. simon trott October 21, 2010 at 8:31 pm #

    but aren’t just pandering to a man’s sexual fantasies; if most mistresses had a choice they’d take their tribute and pay a few bills, not lie around as some bloke kisses their feet for an hour

    • Joanna Lark October 24, 2010 at 3:33 pm #

      I think it’s the most enjoyable and indulging profession ever! Have you ever had your feet massaged and kissed at work? 😉

      • simon trott October 24, 2010 at 6:15 pm #

        I pity the fool who’d kiss my feet!

  2. jackischaste October 22, 2010 at 1:20 pm #

    I so wish i could write as succinctly and in such an articulate fashion as this wonderful woman. Respect. In and out of the chambers.


  3. missy2bizzybeingbeautiful October 22, 2010 at 2:11 pm #

    Fabulous, I love the line about “spending an afternoon punching a man’s testicles for my own amusement…'” what is it about ball busting that is so fundamentally satisfying. I can never truly believe they enjoy, if I did it would be no fun really.

    Like your style lady, I’m sure we’ve met at Pedestal. Haven’t been for an itty bit, really must swagger on down soon.

  4. Vanessa Chaland October 24, 2010 at 9:23 am #

    Great article, truly.

    I am often contacted by other women asking me about (insert fetish) and how to do it correctly to please their sub/slave/bottom/client/boyfriend/husband.

    My reply to them always first asks the question, “Is this something that will please and excite you, or are you doing it just for him?”

    It needs to at least be mutually rewarding on some level to her, and not just about his fantasy and cock. Otherwise it is a job, and she should get paid, and handsomely. 🙂

    If she is getting paid, and more power to her, she still has to have a certain level of comforat engaging in “that act” or she is not being true to herself. Not unlike any other occupation, she needs to be able to review her day and know she did her job to the best of her ability, with dignity and a sense of peace within herself.

    Again, great article.

  5. Mistress Absolute October 24, 2010 at 8:07 pm #

    Thank god. A Dominatrix who is on My side of feminist theory.

    For those reading this – I love men …and women….and those in-between I love playing with My femininity and My masculinity …..… and My “masculinity” and “femininity” or “cross gender” may not be the same as your idea of femininity/masculinity/ cross gender or others and may be influenced by many things that you may or may not have been exposed to.

    However My experience and My viewpoints as a Woman do not make yours, as a bio or non bio Woman any less relevant or valid as yours.

    I also find the attitudes of so called hard core feminists rather insulting……as if we are not intelligent enough to understand the existing patriarchal society that we have to engage in day to day??

    Those who do not understand My play and attitude can go lose themselves in a 1970s feminist argument – which at the time was so needed and part of the history but “girlfriend” you have to move on and embrace all that is you….with a bit of bitch but not too much…..

    Mistress Absolute

    Aka MAx


  1. Bad Feminist at - October 21, 2010

    […] Hey! Look! Ms Slide has written a piece for Bad Feminist UK! […]

  2. Ms Slide writes for Bad Feminist magazine | Ms Tytania – News - October 21, 2010

    […] Enjoy her brilliant full article here: Bashing the patriarchy, one scrotum at a time? […]

  3. Feminism in BDSM from the badfeministuk blog « Roxxanne Rex - November 11, 2010

    […] Bashing the patriarchy, one scrotum at a time? The world is uncomfortably masculine, especially when it comes to sex and spirituality. There’s a woman-shaped gap in many people’s perception of power. […]

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